Morning Musings Bondage of Fear part 3

Part 1

The Fear of men brings a share but whoever truest in the Lord shall he save.

Proverbs 29:25

Fear is nothing but consistent in it’s attempts to reach the heart and my story isn’t one I’m sharing to say “I’m over fear.” Fear still attempts to knock me over almost daily, looking for kinks that it can slip through, however after living with it’s bondage for years I’ve learned how to best combat it. But as I reflect back on the years after my dad died…oh it was horrible!

My dad was dead and my mother was in the hospital, I slept there that night next to her bedside and every night until she was released. I didn’t know at that time that this hospital and it’s 8th floor would quickly become like a 2nd home to me.

Between the ages of thirteen and twenty-six the doctors told me at least once a year “we don’t think she is going to make it”. Can you imagine what its like for a young teenager, whose other parent just died to hear that? I’m not even sure who really took care of me in those years, we had roommates to help with bills…I guess they counted as guardians. I’m sure no one in my family knew how alone I was, assuming that someone else in the family was caring for me. And don’t get me wrong, family did step in from time to time with love and care…but this in and out of the hospital life was ALL THE TIME, and even family has their own family and issues of life to care for. Besides, I think my Mum and I did a pretty good job of acting like everything was okay.

It wasn’t. I wasn’t.

I spent those years, imagining what I would do to care for myself once my mom died. I have a great imagination and fear fed it. I continued to isolate myself from true relationships with others…because others would always leave me. I made horrible choices, I was selfish (why wouldn’t I be, I didn’t expect anyone else to be around to really care for me.) I loved God, I trusted Him but I didn’t know how to love and trust others. I really wanted to. But I was just so afraid.

As I grew, I matured in mind, in body and in Spirit. I got to know God better and while fear and I still hung out daily, I was able to become more of who God made me to be. I also finally met my future husband and entered a new season of life. One that had someone who I knew loved me and had no plans of leaving me. Entertaining fear took a back seat in that season, so filled with love and preparing for our wedding and being a new bride.

We were married in October, I was twenty-six years old. My mom was checked into the hospital again that following February, this was nothing new to me, this was my normal for the past fourteen years, but this time she did not check out. My husband was a pretty amazing new groom dealing with a very sad, very depressed, very fear filled wife.

Fear told me “now what are you going to do when your husband dies and you have no one”. And once again we began to hang out, daily.

 

 

 

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